Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Unpretty truths

One unfortunate part of my job is the fact that we have to take a minimum of 4 pictures per class that we put up on the class page each week that the parents can see. It leads to some really cute pictures of my kids (I teach 2-10 year old Chinese kids, cute is kind of what they do), but the unfortunate part for me is that it's a weekly endurance test over 7 classes of catching shots of myself and going 'Oh God, that's unfortunate'. I'm very fat anyway, but my tan pants and compulsory tucked in shirt does no favours for my pear shaped body. It doesn't seem to have done enough to, I don't know, make me do something about it, but it is a fairly regular reminder.

About 2 weeks ago I had to book a flight home. It's a long flight (18 hours or so all told) and I'm worried about fitting in the seat. Worried enough that with the memory of all horror stories I've heard about other people being stopped and humiliated while checking in, I was actually contemplating paying to upgrade to business class. I agonized over this for a while. The price difference WAS HUGE. The economy seat is costing me £745 (and that was a good deal!), whereas the equivalent business class  seat was somewhere in the range of £2500. That's right, it was over 3 times the price. The premium economy seats aren't really worth the bother (unless maybe you need the exit row because you're very tall, but for width concerns they are the same seat) and would have cost £1500. In the end I checked the flight I wanted to take on seatguru.com and found out the seat width. I love that site so much! Then I measured my own width sitting down in my chair. The width of the seat is a scant half inch bigger than the width of my arse. 'Okay' I said, 'This is doable. I've got a month, as long as I don't gain any weight (and if I can lose some it would be a bonus) I might be OK with this'. So, unable to justify how much more money it would cost versus how long it took me to save said money, I booked the economy seat.

And of course, haven't been able to stop eating since. Genius!

The crazy thing is, I have a gym membership to the gym that is 15 minutes walk from my house. There is no reason not to go! I've been going around and around this fact while sitting at work or at home eating junk, saying 'OK, tomorrow is the day!'and not doing it. I read a few other blogs today about people who feel like they're spiralling and even though it's hard for them I'm glad they're sharing their stories. Because people like me are sitting here feeling like it's just our fault for being such losers. To every one of those blogs all I can think to say is I'm so sorry you feel like this, I know the misery, but You. Can Do .It. Even if 'it' is only one step. Even if you haven't succeeded before. No matter how many times you've tried this. If I can offer this to other people why can't I have it myself? Know, you people that post your slip ups online, that you are inspirational. Even when you are at the bottom of your personal barrels, you are inspiring me to say 'hey, I know that feeling, it's not hopeless it just feels that way right now' Too late is for when you're dead, everything else is negotiable, so maybe I can do this again?

Take care of myself. Clean my apartment. Walk to the gym (no matter how many times you say it you won't do your exercise videos at home, that's why you joined the gym). Accept that some things work for me and some things don't, and I don't always know which is which so try more! Accept that it's easy to say 'that doesn't work for me' when I actually mean 'I don't like/want to do that'. Be kinder to and about my self.

The only thing I'm sure I can do out of any of those is clean, but I can try. And even if I try and fail, the attempt is more than I'm doing now.