Tuesday, July 7, 2009

My reader has been piling up because I've been 'off' reading blogs for the last few days. I thought I had myself under control but then I lost it a little in Nagoya.

Well, no, not lost, because I went saying that I could have anything I wanted because it's not somewhere I go often and that was fine, but then Friday turned into Saturday, Sunday, yesterday and today.

I'm getting really sick of this, and my trousers are getting tighter. I really want to be here saying 'oh, no worries, I'm fine now - back to it!' but I've done that so many times it just doesn't mean anything anymore. I honestly don't believe I can lose this weight. I think I'm going to struggle like this forever and that depresses me so much you have no idea. Even if I get into a rhythm and things go really well for a while, which I don't see happening any time soon, I'll have a couple of months of that and then be back here again, just like always, and it really makes me wonder why I'm bothering.

Just now I spent a good 10 minutes in my kitchen trying to convince myself to go to the grocery store. I was going to get sushi for dinner because I don't want to cook, but I know if I go I'll just grab anything I can get my hands on to put in the cart. I sat down and thought about how awful I was going to feel afterward, about how gross I felt this morning from going to bed so overfull and waking up still feeling the food sitting in my stomach. I felt panic rising and my brain shouting at me to Go Now! Quick! Don't Think About After! That panic is still with me now as I type this, unable to stop tapping my foot in a need for some kind of outlet.

I have a fridge full of healthy food and a sink full of dirty dishes and I have to do something about one before I can do something with the other, but it's not enough to get me up and moving. The memory of how good it feels not to be like this isn't enough to stop me.