Thursday, June 11, 2009

Breathe in, breathe out

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Do I wait until my motivation comes back to start exercising and eating right, or will my motivation come back after a few days of feeling the effects of eating better and the endorphins of exercise?

I really needed a break, and when I stopped updating I was hoping that not writing everything down would free up enough brain space to ease the pressure and allow me to start enjoying this whole process again. The pressure did ease, and while I don't feel bad anymore, I have yet to reclaim the dizzying heights of rapture the start of this invoked. Maybe I won't. Maybe that's the deal, and after a while it settles and it's up to us not to mistake that and give up.

I've gained weight in the last couple of weeks and that's OK. I expected it. It didn't matter because of the relief of knowing I didn't have to come on here and log the failure over and over and pretend I was really optimistic about it. I wanted to get back to regular exercise while I was away but I haven't managed yet. I've been doing more of it the last few days and have a plan to move forward with it. I was overwhelmed before, so instead I'm just going to do 10km a day. That way it's not a huge amount of time to devote to it but I still get it done. I was too hard on myself before, if I didn't do a 'good' amount (or if I did it a little slower than usual) then I wasn't successful for exercising, I was a failure for not exercising better.

Back to that egg. My motivation isn't back, but the unhealthy food is working it's way more firmly into my day and I've had a couple of binges. I figure the point when 'taking a break' starts to feel as uncontrolled as I did when I was on plan but off plan, is the time to start focusing again.

Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself, and whatever the number happen to be is fine. It won't be the number I started at, and the fact that I'm here, perfect or not, hopefully means it won't get to my starting number again.


CouchPotatoAtHeart said...

For me, sometimes the inspiration turns up by itself, and sometimes I have to push. What worked for me last time was to make my food as convenient and idiot proof as possible, and starting from the beginning again with my exercise.

Good luck!