Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Confessions of a binge eater: I was so close to losing all control tonight you have no idea.

The most dangerous thing I do to myself is to say 'well fuck it, too late now so I may as well take advantage'. I've been much, much better about this recently, but every now and again it sneaks up on me. Tonight I had to go pick up my dress from the tailor, and ended up having a burger and baked potato from Lotteria with a friend for dinner. Lotteria are an alternative to McDonald's in parts of Asia, their portions are smaller and (I think) better quality. At that point I had already had lunch out (as is my usual Tuesday routine) and was fairly soon that I had blown my calories out the water by having fast food. I could have exercised restraint and stopped there, but instead I wrote it off as too late and hopeless, and went to Beard Papa's on the way out. We both got a cream puff and a fondant au chocolate, and I ate them both when I got home.

The stupid thing was, when I was tallying my calories for the day I realised that if I had stopped after dinner I would have been under calories! No problem! Guess that shows how we can be our own worst enemy at times. No matter how well I may be doing at any point, part of me will always be a binge eater, and I can't forget that. I have to stay vigilant.

I was ready to feel quite sorry for myself, and really really wanted to go to the supermarket and buy food to scoff, when I checked over the numbers again. Counting everything I'd eaten today up to that point (without exercise) I was 730 calories over my limit. How far away do you have to get before it can be classified as hopeless? I'm not sure, it's something you have to answer for yourself, but for me I can tell you it's a hell of a lot further than that! After crunching some numbers it turned out that to fill that deficit I would have to bike about 38km. I refuse to work in anything less than 5's on my bike though, so I got on and did 40. What's more, I did 40 in one go (usually I have to split it into a 25k and a 15k), which is the most I've ever done in a stretch. Even with my knees complaining, I feel way better sitting here now than I would if I were sitting here telling you I'd eaten my body weigh in fried food.

There's always a choice to be made, even after you make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, there are going to be times when you slip with food, but only you can look into the precipice that slip puts you next to and throw yourself off. Only you can make the choice to say 'for the rest of the day I don't care, I'm going to binge'. Only you can look inside yourself honestly and admit whether it's going to make you feel better or worse.

It always makes me feel worse. And for some reason, this month I've been able to see that much more clearly, even if I've crept up and peered over that edge once or twice.

So how has March gone? I'd say really well. I had my eating under control by the end of the first week and (for the most part) kept it there. And lookie here:

I achieved my goal to exercise every day this month! I did a total of 545km (338.6 miles), which is more than I ever thought I'd be capable of at the beginning of this month. I haven't lost much weight in terms of numbers (I'll weigh in tomorrow for an official number), but my dress size has gone down, my legs are definitely more toned from the cycling, and I generally feel better.

I'll see how I feel tomorrow, but I think I may take a rest day. It will depend on how my knees feel I think, they're not too happy with me right now. There is a worry that if I stop I won't start again, but I'm going to have to test that at some point.

Goals for April: Keep up the momentum with regular exercise, have a break through on the scale (surely my body can't physically hold on to this weight forever?) to get below 105kg, fit comfortably into a pair of old trousers I have (and more comfortably into my jeans).


Anonymous said...

Awesome job! You turned it around within one day, that is amazing! I hope you give yourself a pat on the back for that. <3

Journo June aka MamaBear said...

Glad you didn't chuck the whole thing after one bad day. You are right, we need to always be vigilant and not give up when we make mistakes or eat things we know we shouldn't. Congrats on your exercise for the month. You did an AMAZING job!
Path to Health

Wei Sic Meow said...

You are doing amazingly!

Sharon P Pope said...

Great post and a great job of exercising every day and taking control of your eating. If I had exercised every day for a month I'd treat myself to something non-edible, like a movie or something. :)

Cammy@TippyToeDiet said...

Great lesson learned! I think the hopeless point is somewhere around 73,000 or maybe it's 730,000. I forget. :)

Fantastic job with the exercise!! Take the rest day; you EARNED it!

Dottie said...

Proud that you didn't throw in the towel! That's wonderful. Everyone has bad days - so true. The important thing though is that you didn't give in and give up. Keep it up!

SeaShore said...

Congratulations for meeting your exercise goal this month!

FYI - it's never too far gone enough to be considered hopeless. You stop when you can reign it in, and then keep going. It's just life.