Friday, December 26, 2008

KL: Day 2 and other disasters

Hee, I'm exaggerating a little, there was only one major cock-up today and that was the devastation of me somehow breaking my camera! I was taking a picture of some birds in Negara Zoo and out the corner of my eye I saw a big black thing land on my hand. Not realising it was a butterfly I let out a very controlled 'Mrrfph!' and jerked it off my hand while diving to one side. I didn't drop my camera but I think when I jerked it I knocked something out of alignment because the lens refused to move in and out so I couldn't take pictures. I tried to fix it but had no luck, and then tried to take it to a camera shop to get it fixed and got the expected spiel of how I should buy a new camera instead. I ended up going to Plaza Low Yat (an electronics mall where you can get cheaper deals) and buying a new one. It's the same Olympus brand so I can keep my memory card with the photos I already had, and I'll be able to use the same battery so I'll have a spare. Malaysia and the UK have the same plugs so I can use my old charger in Japan (I
bought the one that broke in Japan) and keep the Malay one for home. It's a better camera and pink!

This means I get a FAIL for budgeting. Or does it? I was counting out my money so I could rebudget how much I had for each day, and I realised that I had somehow counted an extra day in the first time (wprkign with 12 days instead of 11), so I had a bit more money than I thought in the beginning. I only spent about half the money I had planned out for today, so adding that all together I was only a little behind. Woohoo! Money and a new camera, score! I have about 170MYR a day now instead of 200, so I'm pretty well set.

We had a gorgeous dinner tonight, pineapple rice and barbecue beef. I have food pictures but won't be able to upload them until I'm home. Now that I know there is easy Internet access here I'm going to try and blog when I can so I don't forget anything, it's hard to come home with two weeks worth of stuff to condense down otherwise.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

KL: Christmas Day

Just grabbed the Internet in the lounge of our hostel to say Merry
Christmas! The travelling took ages but we got here eventually. I'm
having a really good time! We were a little worried because we realised
(on the plane, after we had gone to the bureaude change) that there was
a really small limit on how much of the local currency you could carry
into the country. After some creative filling in of the declaration
forms we were really freaking a little about how seriously they would
take it, that was until we saw the Russians in front of us in the queue
very obviously bribe the customs lady by slipping money into his
passport ("so, these two women are my daughters"). After that we
were less panicked that they would be checking our declaration
carefully....

I'm really happy. The budget hotel we are in is
really nice, and the owners are very helpful and friendly. I thought
cleanliness might be an issue (as it is in many hostels) but everything
is pristine. I was also worried how everything would be after last
years trip not going very well, but the girl I'm with and I seem to
have really similar ideas to how we want to spend our time and are
getting on really well. After this we're getting on the monorail and
heading to China Town for some lunch, and then maybe to the night
market in that area. The city is much nicer than Bangkok was, less
dirty and broken down. I don't feel as worried about walking around
here.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Bye Bye!

I'm leaving for Malaysia in about 6 and a half hours, so goodbye to everyone!

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Friday, December 19, 2008

My week

Argh, how has it been so long since my last post?

Food hasn't been good this week, I think I may have jinxed myself by saying how happy I was. Most days were bad, with one or two being just not good. Oh compulsive eating, have I mentioned how much I adore you recently? The closer I get to leaving the less I seem to care, that's not how that's supposed to work right?

The dress I mentioned a few posts back arrived the other day. I'm glad I ordered it online because when I first saw the material I thought 'uh oh', so I don't think I would have tried it on in the store if I'd seen it in person. It looks really nice though! The bust needs taking in (oh my poor pear shaped body) but I was expecting to need to shrink into the hips before the dance and it turns out it fits perfectly. I was looking for spare change in my old bags yesterday (err.. see next paragraph, don't judge me!) and found a little handbag I forgot I owned that will go perfectly with the dress, so now all I need are shoes.

Payday today! Thank Christ for that. I knew I was scraping the bottom of the proverbial barrel when I found 50 yen ($0.56 £0.37) on one of my tables and it made a significant difference to my dinner plans. I added it to the change I had in my purse so I could buy milk, so I could make a chicken supreme sauce pack I had to go my chicken/mushrooms/broccoli.

I have the International preschool Christmas party tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that. They're the same kids that had the Halloween party before and as cute as anything. My friend is coming to my place Saturday night because we have an early start to get to Universal Studios Japan in Osaka on Sunday, my supervisor helped me to get slightly discounted tickets at the train station (every little helps!). Then I have work Monday, a public holiday (for the Emperor's Birthday) on Tuesday so I can do laundry and pack, then back to Osaka Wednesday to fly out to KL. It's going to be busy, but in the most awesome sense!

The exchange rate is insanely good today, I'm trying not to think about it too hard because I'm looking forward to my trip and I know I'll have a fantastic time, but a little part of me really wishes I could send money home today so everything would be clear for the new year. Ah well.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

My nemesis

I'm not going into gross detail here, but if you think the subject is going to be TMI click away... now. Or, you know, don't and judge for yourself if it is or not, but then it will too late!

The toilets in Japan can be amazing. They are Western style, heated seats, washing, music playing, fake flush to cover noise sounding, air deodorizing, all singing, all dancing units.

But sometimes, it all goes wrong.

I've mentioned Japanese squat toilets before, insofar as to say how much as I hate them, and oh, how I loath them.

Behold, a typical Japanese squat toilet:


My school contains only squat style toilets. Usually when you go out there is a choice of at least one western style. I used to wait until I got home (many a peepee dance being done as I unlock my door) because the school loos? Never a pleasant visit.

It starts with the freezing temperature. My school has managed the somewhat dubious achievement of being noticeably colder inside than out. If I'm going to be spending the day outside of one of the busy rooms I take extra layers to wear inside, and/or a lap blanket. The toilets are no exception, and are in fact even colder owing to the window always being left open to help air out the place (regardless of the layer of frost outside a few days ago).

The next step is the stupid, hateful toilet slippers. When you go into a toilet in Japan there is usually a pair of slippers outside, you have to change into them before you go in. My school decided the rubbery slip on slippers were too welcoming and opted for the traditional hard wearing wooden sandals.

After you've changed your shoes you do the slip and slide over to the cubical of your choice (the floor is usually wet from when the students mop it after lunch). The cubical is very small, not ideal for someone of my, er, dimensions. I usually take my trousers completely off rather than play the roulette of keeping them out of my way. You have to do a deep squat facing the hood, getting as close to it as you can.

This is one of my bigger problems. If you're in position then you've literally got your knees to your chest, it's a deep squat, because you're crowding the hood for balance and to ensure the hole doesn't come up short, because that would be an embarrassing accident to explain (*fingers crossed* hasn't happened yet). If you're having kind of digestive issue that results in you being there for more than a few moments your legs go stiff, making getting up a problem. An problem not helped by the fact that one of your wooden sandals is sliding further away from you on the wet floor surface as you're trying to keep your balance and you can't stop it. If you fall on the way down, you will just go backwards, straight into the toilet.

Squatters: Good for the leg muscles, not so much for the dignity.

Sometimes it's hard being me.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

An interesting article

Gentle reader, have I begun to smell or something? You'd tell me right? Comments have been low!

The aforementioned interesting article:

Gene triggers unhealthy eating

One of my favourite quotes from it is right near the end:

"If we are to tackle this problem adequately, we need to get smarter and start dealing with all the underlying forces that influence our choices"

On an unrelated note, what's up with the 503 errors I keep getting from twitter?

In Control

When I gain control of one aspect of my life, the others seem less overwhelming, more manageable.

When I'm doing well on my weight loss, I keep my apartment clean and tidy, I take time to exfoliate and moisturize properly at night, I stick to my to-do lists and plan my lessons before the first period of the lesson day.

When I'm keeping in control of my finances I find it easier to lose weight because I'm budgeting my groceries. I cook more at home and I plan my meals, so I know what ingredients to buy and what I'll be using them for. That way they don't end up rotting in my fridge and being wasted.

When I'm in control at work and spend the day marking books and planning lessons, the momentum keeps me going. I arrive home and give the living room a tidy, or run the vacuum around the floors. I may even go so far as to put on an exercise DVD and do a mile.

It's a wonderful, glorious feeling, this control I have right now. I am this-close to being out of debt! THIS-CLOSE! I made a budget and I stuck to it and it's worked. What a concept. I was talking with my mum a couple of nights ago, and I made a plan. It has a few vague spots (err... job when I go home? Anyone?) but it's got a solid foundation. In the time between now and when I go home I am capable of saving £10,000 (assuming the exchange rates don't shoot up), which given the property market in England means that will be enough to pay a deposit on my own house. My Own House. You have no idea how excited that idea makes me. The mortgage payments would end up being the same or less than renting my own apartment, so I'd rather have something to show for it at the end. When I go home my mum is going help me find somewhere (she works in mortgages).

So I signed a form yesterday saying I intended to stay in Japan another year. It will mean I'll be leaving here in August 2010, having spent a total of three years here. I was really on the fence about staying earlier this year, but now that I know what I'm planning to do, rather than wandering a little lost and aimless, I feel much better about it. I have a goal and staying here for another year is vital to it.

There are times I feel a little guilty feeling so happy, with so many people facing uncertain and unstable futures. It just happens that with my working abroad and the yen being so strong (and the pound so weak) I'm in the perfect position to take advantage of the problems with the economy. I can take it for the opportunities it offers me, and I'm so thankful for that.

The weight plan is also there. It's a little harder to follow, but it's still possible. That's how I feel right now, like things will be OK, like everything is still possible, and not only possible but beginning to happen. I have to hold these words and know the shape of them, to learn their feel so I can call them back to me when I need their help.

Things making me happy right now:

I'm almost 23lbs down from the Christmas Challenge
I'm getting paid for my adult class tomorrow, so I'm on budget until payday next week.
I'm nearly out of debt
Including my Christmas presents, which I've already paid off
I'm going to the international preschool on the 20th to help with their Christmas party (oh the cuteness)
I'm going to USJ for the day on the 21st with my friend as our Christmas trip together.
I'm going to Malaysia on the 24th
I'm looking forward to 2009

A challenge for you all! Go to your blogs and write a list of things that are making you happy right now! Things are tough for a lot of people at the moment, it's a good time to remember the better things too.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Pretty things!

I realised a few months ago that Yours, a plus size clothing store in the UK, actually delivers internationally! The discovery wasn't so good for my bank balance, but was wonderful in every other way.

I have an night out to go to in February. It's for Valentines day, and is the only formal-wear night of the JET year. I was browsing the site a couple of weeks ago and completely fell in love with one of the dresses there. I'm not sure why as it's a style I don't usually go for, in a colour I don't often wear, but I saw it and though to myself 'ooooooooooh purty'.

My mum has said she'll get it me for Christmas, but they were becoming difficult to find as they sold quite well, so I ordered it the other day and mum is putting the money in my bank account. Free shopping is the very best kind. I also got a little black shrug to go over it because the dress is strapless, and baby, these arms 'aint going strapless.

The dress:

The shrug:


With a pair of dark tights and some shoes it will be perfect.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

What's this?

I don't check the Internet all day and there is nary an update on my weight-loss reader list? Gah! I have no classes tomorrow guys, I'm going to be relying on you stop me stabbing out my own eyes from boredom.

Today was really busy. I was teaching 3 classes in a row, starting first period, and then we had to do all the prep for the special English Club Christmas Cookie baking. The actual baking was done after school with the group, so I didn't get home until about an hour ago.

Cookie baking wasn't exactly in my eating schedule so I did the best I could. I did eat some, but only three or so. I was going to bring the tin of cookies home with me to take to my adult class on Friday for a snack time present. After eating my third cookie I realised how monumentally stupid that would be of me and calculated the probability of them actually making it to Friday in my head. It didn't look good. I left them in my staff room after passing the around the other teachers. Tomorrow I'm going to give some of them to the teachers I like that don't sit in my room with me, and then leave them open on the table for whoever wants them afterward. I don't really like them that much, the dough came out too wet because we couldn't chill it, so instead of rolling it out we improvised some little drop cookies. The texture was a little too cake-y for my tastes (if I'm going to have a cookie I like it to taste like one) because they were thicker than they were meant to be, but I know if I brought them home or kept them near me I'd just keep picking at them regardless of taste.

The students seemed to have a really good time anyway, so that was worthwhile.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Christmas Challenge Check-in

Wow, been a while since I've had one of these huh? The last couple of weeks I've gained a little, so while I've mentioned this on my blog I've been avoiding dedicating a post to the check in. Fortunately this week has gone better, so I'm doing a proper check this time.

Pounds Lost This Week: 4
Total Christmas Challenge Pounds Lost: 22.9
Pounds to Go to Reach Christmas Goal: 18

I got back up to 110.0kg before coming to my senses and knuckling down, so while I have lost 4lbs only 2.2 of them are 'new'. As with my last weigh in I actually had a lower number a couple of days ago (107.6) but my end of year party put paid to that (worth every bite!). I'm going to try to not let that knock me over again this time. Last time I was feeling bad about it because I had eaten out and that had caused the bump up, but this time I don't so maybe that will make a difference.

Now, the Christmas challenge is finishing soon so there is no way I am getting to my 40lbs lost goal, but I want to go as far as I can in the time left. If I really work I might juuuust be able to scrape a 30lb loss. It's worth a try anyway.

Even if I don't make it, I'm really glad I did this challenge. Sometimes I join a challenge and it overwhelms me, I get stuck and I feel worse as everyone does better, but this one really seems to have clicked. Even if I do end up taking two steps forward and one back, that's still a step forward in the end.

How is everyone else doing? Working off that Thanksgiving turkey?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

おいしかった!

おいしかった: oishikatta 'it was delicious!'.

The meal went really well. I ate some things that aren't on plan (three things to be precise), but they were Japanese sized portions so I don't feel bad about it. I took pictures of everything so prepare yourself for a pic heavy post.

Ready? OK.

We had a French-style (well, the Japanese version of a French style!) meal, and it was bloody gorgeous. We started with a light sashimi (raw fish) course, served in a hollowed out grapefruit:

This was followed by a bowl of onion soup, and the first of my contraband items, two little bread rolls. One was くるみ (kurumi walnut) bread, and the other was ごま (goma sesame) bread:

Next came our second fish course (I cut into it and then remembered the picture, sorry!). It was a big prawn, a scallop, a type of white fish (though sadly I don't know the name) and a piece of asparagus, with some kind of sauce on it:

This was followed by our meat course, a lovely piece of rare beef, atop a slice of 大根 (daikon Japanese white radish), with a kind of mustard vinaigrette reduction? Again, I'm not entirely sure what was in the sauce:

The beef came with a side potato salad (contraband number 2!) topped with crab, served in a tomato, The scoop was small enough that I'm not worrying too hard about it:

Finally, we finished with contraband number 3, a cake and fruit dessert plate:


I love my adult class. I panic some times over what to do with them, because I feel like I should be better at teaching them, because I want them to love the class because I like them so much. The class has been going on forever. As in, there are people who have been in the class since it's conception 37 years ago. Last time they showed me a picture of the same class (and most the same members, though a few of the slightly younger ones weren't there) and on the back it was dated May 12th 1983, which is 6 days before I was born.

They're always happy and excited to see me there, and always want to give me things or show me things. I only wish my senior high school kids could be so enthusiastic! (though to be fair, some of them are). Today we were on the bus back from the hotel (it was a hotel shuttle bus, taking us all home) and we had dropped off all but three people and me. Emi (the youngest member of the group, early thirties, very cool) came over and told me that when I came into the hotel today Ohichi-san (the oldest member of the group at 88, he was in the very first class all those years ago) said to her in Japanese that I looked especially beautiful today, particularly my face. I had made an effort with my outfit and done full make-up as usually all I can do before a regular class is slap on my mascara/lip gloss and then go in my work clothes. The fact that it was the first thing he noticed was sweet, especially considering I wouldn't expect him to notice those kinds of things.

Fantastic night - I regret nothing!

Bonenkai blues

I saw a new number on the scale today, big hurray!

I am pretty worried though. Last time I did this I ended up with it jumping up right before weigh in, which ended up with me going into a bit of a tailspin. I have a bonenkai (end of year party) tonight with my adult class and think I will see it on the scale tomorrow. These parties are a big set meal, and while a lot of the food will be fine (the sashimi, the crab, the meat) there is guaranteed to be a lot of rice and stuff too. It's very hard to subtly eat around things as I tend to be center of attention at these gatherings, so I'll have to keep my fingers crossed and see how it goes. God, the stress.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Not the most auspicious start

About 9:20 this morning I got a message from my supervisor asking me where I was. It woke me up. Fuuuuck.

My alarm either didn't go off, or I slept through both it and the snooze alarms. I called her in a panic to apologize and told her I'd take a vacation day but I hate this situation. During the conversation she said 'remember to come to school' which I know she didn't mean in a patronizing way, but it really make me feel like that. I have to be helped with so many things here because of the language barrier and I hate being babied. I wanted to say 'Oh no? Really? Duh!" in a really sarcastic way, but given the situation I didn't really have a leg to stand on.

On the bright side the scale was down a bit today and I'm on plan thus far.

I need to clean up a bit. The rooms I use are clear for the most part, but elsewhere things are getting very cluttered. I want to put up my Christmas decorations but not while my apartment is like this. I also think I should get an electric blanket. I have my mattress in the living room right now because it's warmer, but I don't like it there. My apartment always looks better when I'm using my bedroom, it stays tidy longer. With it gone I can also put my tree up.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

*headdesk*

I'm so bored it's unbelievable.

The down side to this is that my thoughts keep turning to food just for something to do. There's no food here, so there's no way I can mindlessly snack, but it's driving me crazy.

I need to start packing lunches the night before again. I was planning on doing it for today but never got round to it (something I'm really regretting now!). I said I didn't want to spend any more money on eating out, but I'm really considering walking out to Denny's just to break up my day.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Taking stock

Today is shaping up well.

Food-wise, I went into Denny's for lunch because I had to go the bank and it's right next door. I think I did really well because I ordered the small Cobb salad with dressing separately, and a demiglace hamburger with an egg on top. I picked out the little pieces of tortilla from the salad so it was totally on plan, and didn't eat the potato wedges that came on the side of the burger. Burgers here aren't served on a bun anyway, but I also told the waitress that I didn't want the bread/rice option of the set, so everything was good.

Money-wise, I updated my pass-book while at the bank and I'm just about right there as well. It will mean no more eating out until after payday on the 19th (with the exception of the free end of year party/meal I'm going to with my adult class) in order to stay that way, but I'm feeling OK about that.

In terms of me, I managed to explain the changes I wanted at the restaurant in Japanese without a problem, which made me happy. My house is reasonably clean, and I'm making a good pace with my work, so I'm feeling fairly in control and satisfied. I made plans to go to Universal Studios Japan on the 21st, so I'm excited that I have that to look forward to.

Day 2 (thus far, don't want to jinx myself) a success on all counts!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I took the day off from work this morning. It wasn't planned, but I woke up late so was rushing around, then went into the bathroom to discover that the drip bucket I'd put under the pipe was filled right to the very top so the moment I picked it up to change it I sloshed water everywhere, then went to put my contacts in and they burned because they hadn't cleaned properly in the different solution I used.

I decided then and there that if this was indicative of how my day was going to be then I was staying home. A quick call to work and it was all squared, it is exam week this week so I have no lessons (just books to mark).

Today has been good. I went back to bed or more sleep and have eaten on plan so far today. I think if I can just keep to phase one for a while I'll feel better in a more controlled head space.

I went shopping yesterday and got my Christmas decorations. I haven't put them up yet, I think that will be something for this weekend, but I'm happy I've got them. Last year I didn't bother because I was going away, so it didn't really feel like Christmas, but this year I don't leave until Christmas Eve so I'm going for it. I got a cute little door wreath for my front door (I was so close to getting the one that said 'Merry Winter', Japan gets English confused a little sometimes) and I have a little fake tree. I wanted to get snow spray for my windows but they were out of it at the dollar store, that's probably for the best.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Here! Also, a request

TOM left this morning, and took the very last of my sore throat with it, so I woke up this morning feeling good. I cleaned my apartment and put the vacuum round yesterday too, which always leaves me feeling better about everything.

How was Thanksgiving? I maintain my relief that it's not a gauntlet I have to run out here, and will save my food terror for its appropriate Christmas tour. I hope you all enjoyed the Black Friday sales, I know Scale Junkie did anyhow! I envy your sales, I miss just going out and shopping even if it is what got me into trouble in the first place. I shouldn't miss shopping with all the things I've bought this week really, but that was for other people rather than myself. The bright side is that I've almost finished all the Christmas shopping I have to do, just my little brother's Christmas gift and my dad's birthday present left to get (my friends will get things from Malaysia when I get back as their presents).

I have decided definitely to do Phase 1 again.I have a gained a little again this week and want to nip things in the bud before the get out of control. I was toying with the idea in the back of my mind and writing it here yesterday really solidified it for me. I had eggs with onion and mushrooms for lunch. I think the major problem for me this week is going to be the fact that it's exam week so the teachers expect to go out to lunch because this is one of the weeks they actually have time to. It's really tempting as it breaks up the boredom of the day, but I don;t think I can do it next week, physically, mentally or financially. I told my supervisor on Friday that I would go to lunch with her tomorrow, so I will, but after that I'm going to have to try telling them that I need to save all my money for KL and see if that can hold them off.

I've just remembered that I meant to go into town today and grab a secret Santa gift for next week and some Christmas decorations, but it's almost dark now and it's cold outside. Looks like I'll be doing it either after school (so it will still be cold and dark I suppose) or next Saturday.

Does anyone have any contemporary romance book recommendations? I'm usually a regency girl, but I also like Janet Chapman, and I really liked Lisa Kleypas' move into contemporary too. Someone other than Nora Roberts please!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Haven't forgotten you

Just TOM and not having much to say, I'm thinking of going back on SB Phase 1.

Be back soon.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Salvation

I was fully prepared to ignore weigh-in this week. It's really been terrible, and at one point this week I stepped on the scale and saw a number over 110KG, which made me pretty miserable. Apparently not miserable enough to put down the cookies, but then negative reinforcement has never been much of a motivator for me.

Just now I jumped on the scale before I could convince myself not too. I didn't really want to see that number again but I figured I should know even if I don't admit it here. I was little scared it would lead to me hitting the supermarket again but as that wouldn't be any worse than what I was already doing, I decided I may as well know the damage.

Imagine my relief when the scale threw me a 109.2KG. I never thought I'd be happy to see that number again, and a gain at that! It's 0.2KG/0.5LBS higher than last week, but that's all and I count myself as very fortunate. It means that I'm juuuust back in the 240s which sucks, but it also means that I don't have to change my snowman.

It's been a very up and down week emotionally, swinging between rationally knowing that gains happen and it will be easy to straighten things out again because I know what I did wrong, and completely losing hope that going through this is worth anything because it will just end up like all the other tries. Thankfully I'm currently a little closer to the former than the latter at the moment, but we'll see how it goes.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Hurray!

It's pay-day! Best day of the month!

I ducked out of school during lunch because I'd taught my one lesson of the day so didn't have anything to get back for. I walked to the bank and after a few calculations decided to send 140,000 yen home. The exchange rate, which has been dropping like a stone recently, had another dip today because of the stock market drops, so I really wanted to do it today. If you don't do it before 3pm it's classified as the next business day, which means you have to take your chances with the number tomorrow.

I also paid my rent and updated my pass book. A pass book is a little book you can get updated at the ATM, it's like a bank statement because they don't send them to you here. Checking my balance I figured out that once I'd factored in my bills and utilities I have about 10,000 yen a week to live on (about... $100? It's hard to give an exact amount because the rates are changing so rapidly), which works out perfectly!

I know I've been going on about money a lot just recently, mostly because of my lack of it, but it feels so good to be this close to finishing with everything. My parents are sending me money for Christmas so that will mean I can make a payment in December even though I'm taking what I would usually save to KL with me. Depending on how much they send me I may be able to just make the same 140,000 payment in January (that's the maximum I can really send without causing myself problems) and then it could be over and I can start saving. My savings are going to be my other big goal of 2009 (you can probably guess what my first goal is yeah?). With my next contract period definitely being my last I need to save as hard as I can so that I can afford a place to live when I get back to the UK.

Of course, this all depends on me not using my credit card and thus upping the balance. Sadly with Christmas coming that isn't entirely possible. I've already bought some presents, but I still have 5 more and a birthday present to buy with my UK funds, my friends will be paid for with my Japanese money so I'm not overly concerned by that. I think (given what I'm getting) that this will add another £200 to my total.

3 day weekend!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

One hour

I'm a procrastinator, as many people reading this will probably know. After I posted my last post about how bad I was feeling, I checked my email. I thought about what I was going to wear to work tomorrow (the choices were limited, laundry day has come and gone). I felt bad about getting fatter. I considered eating the yogurt I have in the fridge. I decided against it and wondered what I should make for dinner.

I then thought 'what the hell am I doing?'.

I felt bad. I had that oppressive, slightly panicky feeling weighing down on me the more I sat and thought. The more I tried to ignore things I was supposed to be doing. They weren't going away, they weren't even at the back of my mind! They were making me more miserable as I tried to ignore them, convincing myself I was happier refreshing my Google reader while time trickled away.

If any of this sounds familiar, do yourself a favour. Take an hour.

Set a timer if you want, and say to yourself 'for this hour, I'm going to start the things I said I'd do today'.

My 1 mile WATP workout takes 20 minutes. Could I do more? Yeah, probably. Would I do more if I told myself 'right, I'm going to do this workout and then do everything on this list'? No, I'd go back to refreshing my Google reader and never start.

I gave myself an hour, and in that hour I did my 1 mile, cut my hair, put on laundry, took a shower, and took out my scallops to defrost for dinner. The washer has just finished so I'm going to go take my washing to the coin driers next door because the weather turned hurt-your-face cold while I was holed up in my apartment and I don't fancy waiting a week for it to dry itself.

I have other things to do. I want to throw some ingredients in the slow cooker so my dinner is ready for tomorrow, and I have to grab a lesson plan online for my class because I think I'm finally going back to school tomorrow. But the other things I was going to try and tackle in that hour? The de-cluttering and vacuuming I had planned on that didn't get done? Not a problem, because I have an hour tomorrow.

Even if you achieve nothing. Even if you turn your Internet off (this is a good idea! it helps, trust me!) and stare at a blank open document for an entire hour (err... hi NaNoWriMo!) and don't write a single letter, dedicate your time. If you have a list and you only finish two things on it, it's OK. If you only manage to start one thing it's OK! When the timer goes off put it down, put it away, leave it for tomorrow. You'd be amazed the momentum it gives you. That panicky feeling eases.

I feel better.

This week: FAIL

Okay, I was doing alright until this week.

This week has been out of control.

I've binged. more than once. Because I've been sick I haven't been at school, so I haven't been walking, which would mean that this week would have been tough for me even if I'd been eating perfectly. And honestly, I was disappointed by the last weigh in, and it put me in a bad space mentally. I've been using the fact that I moved my mattress into my living room to be closer to the heater (thereby filling the space I usually work out in) as an excuse to not work out.

Technically I should given back my new snowman with the number I saw on the scale this morning, but I'm not going to do that. I think some of it must be bloat, so I'm hoping if I'm careful it will disappear. I only have a few days until weigh in so I don't see me posting a loss, but if I'm careful maybe I can make it a maintenance. I don't want this to become a spiral. I've hated where I am so much recently, even a small loss has helped me. Even though I'm heavier than I was this time last year, it's not by much, and getting closer to fitting in my old clothes made me feel like I was making progress. Like it wasn't hopeless. I'm trying to hold on to that feeling.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'm a terrible, cynical, person

My supervisor arrived and was the loveliest thing ever.

She brought me a bag of groceries filled with fruit, yogurt, salad, juice (fresh fruit and things are really expensive here!) and a big bottle of water because she didn't think I would have been able to walk to the store because it's turned so cold the last couple of days, and I need vitamins to make me healthy. She told me not to worry about my lessons, and said that I could take sick leave instead of personal (vacation) leave so 'take a good rest'. This sounds kind of obvious because if you're sick of course you should get sick leave, but many Japanese people take vacation when they are ill, it's just the culture.

I'm a mean, nasty person and I shouldn't judge so quickly. >_<.

Hovering

My weight is hovering just above my official WI and I'm having trouble getting it down. On one hand I've been at home sick for the last three days, so I'm not getting my walk to school in, which may be making a difference. I also had something other than stew yesterday, for the first time since I bought my slow cooker two weeks ago. I think this has upped my calories a little so my body has to adjust. Or I have to go back to stew.

Today I have some little meat balls that are sold for use in nabe, I'm going to cook them with onions and yellow peppers and add them to a pasta gratin I'm making. I'm not sure why but I had a sudden craving for it.

My supervisor is coming after school today 'to check I'm OK', read: to check I'm still sick and am not just taking the opportunity to have a few days off. It's something I get really annoyed with here, the constant looking over your shoulder, as if I can't make the judgement myself. It's my body, I know what I can do and what I can't at the moment, and given that she's not a doctor I'm not sure what she's hoping to prove. I think not lying in bed looking like death warmed over anymore means to her that I'm fine and faking it, but even if my fever is gone my voice hasn't recovered yet so I can't go back to teaching classes yet.

I texted her yesterday to tell her I wouldn't be in today and probably not tomorrow (I had classes today but none tomorrow, so I don't see the point in dragging myself to school to sit at my desk), but I would definitely be in Friday to teach my third year class. Which then prompted her visit. Which means I'm now going to have to strain my throat making pointless conversation until I've proven whatever it is she's looking for.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Christmas Challenge WI

Today I lost 1.2KG/2.6LBS, and oddly, I'm kind of disappointed.

Now, I'm not crazy most of the time. I know that 2.6LBS is not a bad loss by any stretch of the imagination (and really, can any loss at all be considered 'bad'?), but two days ago I weighed in at 108.4KG, which would have put me on track for an almost 4lb loss, which in turn would have tipped me over the 10KG lost mark. Now, thanks to what I think was probably the fact that I ate out last night (I didn't eat unhealthily, or too much, but it was restaurant food and that tends to make a difference), I didn't make that milestone. I think it is just a blip for today because of last night, but I wish it had been a blip for tomorrow instead! I was thinking of just saying 'screw it' and putting my low weight down but then decided not to.

So, let's focus on the good that weigh-in did me, shall we? Today I:

Got a new melting snowman
Made it over the 20LB lost mark
Made it past my halfway point
Made it into the 230's (just!)

I think at this point I won't be making it to my final Christmas Challenge goal because I wasted so much time (err... hi October!), but I would like to lose another 10LBS if I can manage it so that I can be in the 220's when I leave on holiday.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I admit it

Okay, I'll be honest, I caved.

You can't imagine what it's like, stuck in the apartment all day with nothing to do. I need distractions to stop me thinking about it. But I didn't have any, the temptation was too great and now it's too late.

So it's best that I come out and admit it, especially as you'll all be able to see the consequences.

I changed my blog to a Christmas template.

I swore to myself I would at least wait until Nov. 18th. That's Mickey Mouse's birthday, and the day we had to start giving the 'happy holidays' greeting when we answered the phone at the Disney Store, and I was sooo clooooose. I don't want to get Christmassy too early because it makes it anti-climatic, but I can't help it. The weather has turned a little cold again, and there is Christmas stuff everywhere here because it's only used as a commercial holiday, and TCBOTB is putting up new Christmas themed layouts every Monday. On the plus side I have restrained myself from buying actual decorations for my apartment so far, but come December I am going for it.

I texted my supervisor earlier to tell her I wasn't coming in, she was very understanding, making me feel guiltier. I hope I haven't screwed things up for them.

EDIT: Today I woke up to bright sunshine that, at one point, had me turning on the aircon. It seems the weather is displeased and wishes to show me that summer is not yet over. I have changed the layout to something less festive.

Breaking news: still sick, still fat.

I saw a bump up on the scale this morning, but am keeping calm because I saw the same thing earlier this week and it was followed by a drop later.

I'm bored, and kind of sick of my own company, but I don't feel up to going out to others or entertaining, so I guess I'm just going to have to bear it. Even if I decided to go out today, my friends are all really busy this weekend. I was supposed to be out with them, but obviously that didn't happen.

Sigh. I don't know if I'm going to be up to going to work tomorrow and that makes me feel guilty, the kids have their exams in two weeks so there isn't really time to rearrange their lesson. I'm hoping the teacher can just use my lesson plan himself so they don't miss out, as I've taught it with him once before so he knows how it goes and has the hand-outs to copy. My throat doesn't hurt so long as I take the medicine regularly, but my voice is still shot and I have developed a hacking cough not at all helpful to the classroom teaching environment. Bah, I don't know what to do. If I'm not going then I need to call my supervisor tonight to tell her.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

4:47am:

The time my medicine wore off to the point that the pain was unbearable and I had to get up to take my pills.

Unfortunately with so many pills it's quite a process. I had one of my throat candies to numb it slightly, and gargled my blue rinse. Then I had to make oatmeal for breakfast because I have to take the other three pills after food. I waited for the pain in my throat to disappear and went back to bed at 5:30am to get some more sleep. Thank God it's Saturday so that I can actually do that. I got up again around 12:30, having had some more sleep.

I know I've been whining a lot the past week, so I'd like to focus on some positives for a moment.

1) Being on this medication is forcing me to eat three proper meals a day. I'm quite bad at this, especially the timing. If it's a school day I often don't have time, or if I manage to get breakfast in I'll forget lunch or something. If it's the weekend I'll usually sleep through breakfast. I don't quite know how it will work when I'm back at school because the kids here eat lunch quite early and I'm suppose to have pills every 8 hours, but we'll see.

2) My illness has been awesome for my weight loss. This may be related to number 1, and may be related to the types of food I'm eating now. With the difficulties swallowing I was going to oatmeal and stew, a lot of the junk stuff is difficult to eat because it's rough on my throat. I'm really hoping it's not just sickie-dehydration, if I bounce back up afterwards I'm going to be really sad. I will possibly expect a maintenance week though.

3) I weighed myself this morning and saw a tiny (0.2 kg) drop from my low point so far this. After I got up from my second sleep I got on the scale again and the loss was much bigger, which felt good. It always amazes me how much proper sleep can make a difference to the reading.

I'm actually looking forward to the Christmas Challenge WI this week!

Friday, November 14, 2008

The verdict in in

The bad news: I have tonsillitis. Or at least they think I do, and have taken a swab of the white things on my tonsils 'to incubate' so they can verify it's not anything else.

The good news: I have drugs to go with it.

I love how I don't have to be scared when I go the doctors here because my insurance covers anything over 5000 yen ($50). They gave me three kinds of pills to take after meals (a pain-killer, something to bring down my temperature, and...? something else? I don't remember what it does), some INSANELY BLUE drops (like, toilet cleaner blue) to mix with water and gargle, and some throat candies to help reduce the inflammation in my throat (oh, that might be what the third pill does too...). It ended up costing me 2600 yen so I really can't complain. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being a cold 9 and 10 being Strep and Mono, I'd rate this at about a four. They did say if I took the pills and they didn't seem to be working (they gave me 5 days worth), to come back for an antibacterial injection, which may bump it up to a 6 in my head.

I'm going to go and eat a little stew so I can take my after meal pills, hopefully they'll help.

After I'm better I must remember to buy a new toothbrush so that I don't end up re-infecting myself.

...

Dear Canadian prison,

WTF?

Love and kisses, me.

I've finally caved and asked my supervisor to take me to the doctor tonight. My throat doesn't seem to be getting any better and the white spots on my tonsils are still there. It's now been five days and the over the counter medicine I bought is gone and doesn't seem to be helping anyway. I'm going to feel really stupid when he tells me it's a cold and to get over myself because I just have to wait it out, but I'd rather go and have it checked to make doubly sure it's not strep or something.

I put honey in my oatmeal today because people keep telling me to drink honey and lemon tea, but I hate lemon tea. Conclusion? It helped a little (I felt slightly less raw after, whether from the mixture or from the fact that oatmeal is warm and soft I don't know), and I don't like honey.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The cold that never ends

I called my supervisor last night and told her I wouldn't be coming in to work today. I have been going to work this week because I have had some lessons to teach, and with the exams coming up they would be difficult to rearrange. Today I wasn't scheduled for any lessons though, and while I technically could have gone and sat through it as I have been the rest of the days, there didn't seem much point in it if I wasn't going to be missing anything. She seemed OK with it, and I told her I would come in tomorrow so that I wouldn't miss my third year class.

I'm still losing, but I'm hoping it's not just dehydration or something because I'm ill. I don't want to see it bounce back up afterwards.

I woke up and my throat was kind of awful (maybe dry from the night?), I can feel my body having to make an effort when I swallow now. I looked in the mirror and holy crap my tonsils are swollen and covered in these white pus spots (which, incidentally, look about as attractive as they sound). A quick search online convinced me I wasn't going to die or anything. I don't have the other symptoms or fatigue that would lead me to believe mono or anything serious, so it's just a bad cold/flu thing. I was going to go to the English speaking doctor in Taki, but the trains to the station next to his surgery are super-irregular, so I would have been waiting hours to get back.

I have about the equivalent of $80 in my bank, which has me breathing a little sigh of relief. I know all my bills have go out for this pay period, and I've just been shopping for groceries (once I had counted up the money in my purse I realised I had more than I thought) using just the cash I had on me, so I think I'm fine until payday on the 21st. Money has really been worrying me this month because I didn't pay attention at the beginning of the month and spent far more than I thought. Being forced to live frugally, coupled with deciding to cook at home more, has made me realise how cheaply I am capable of living though. I mentioned before that I'm actually thinking of sending extra home on payday and just scraping through the month again. It sounds a little crazy considering how worried I was about it this time around, but payday comes on the 19th next time because the 21st is a Sunday so it finishes a little earlier.

I can't wait until I've finished paying everything. It's going to be awesome. Looking at my figures I've revised my numbers a little and think with a bit of restraint I could be finished paying stuff off as early as the end of January! This is mostly because both my parents have decided to send me money as my Christmas present this year, so I can make a payment in December using that instead of skipping a month (the usual funds are coming with me to Kuala Lumpur). I almost want to leave my credit card here so I can't run it up while I'm on holiday, but I don't want to risk something happening and being stuck somewhere without any money.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I don't understand

This weekend it went overcast and cold enough that it had me thinking of Christmas. This morning I had to snake an arm out of my warm bed to flick my halogen heater on before I could drag myself out of bed and into my plushy winter robe. This afternoon the sun had been shining on my apartment all day so I had to open all my windows after I got home. SENSE, IT MAKES IT NOT.

Japanese winter is weird. The sun stays warm, so as long as it's shining the cold (oh so cold) air doesn't really bother you too much. Outside that is, inside my school is noticeably colder due to the lack of direct sun in the hallways. But then if you get in a classroom facing the wrong way you're stifling. I'm kind of looking forward to when it goes (and stays!) properly cold. Not that it will stop me complaining, but at least I'll be able to dress for it.

I'm at that horrible state where my throat feels really dry, I've been drinking water but it doesn't seem to be helping. It made me really hoarse in my first year lesson today.

And as this is suppose to be a weight loss blog: I broke the next decade! It was still there when I got home from work, so we'll see if it goes down tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Thanks

Thank you all for your well wishes. I felt pretty crappy today, but I was teaching so I couldn't really call in sick. I dropped into the drug sugi when the other ALT and I went to the dollar store for English Club snacks though. A dose of medicine actually designed to help headaches and sore throats has helped me muchly.

My ears still fell all blocked up, like they need to pop or something, but thankfully nothing really hurts anymore. I woke up this morning with a really sore throat, which seemed attached to my inner ear, giving me a sharp pain every time I coughed. Now that that is taken care of it's much easier to function. I'm teaching for most of this week so I'll just have to keep taking the medicine and hope it helps. I think I'll end up having another early night tonight and hope it leaves quickly.

My appetite has been kind of finicky because I'm not feeling so good. I have a little of the stew left, I will try and choke it down later. I really want some more oranges, but getting them would mean walking over to the store and it's cold and dark outside so I'm not thrilled at the prospect. Japan doesn't change their clocks, so it's been getting dark really early and is now pitch outside.

I saw 110.0kg this morning, soooo cloooossseeee to a new decade.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Gah

About 2:30 I started feeling kind of bad, like there was pressure building up in my ears, and my throat felt kind of off. I finished up some lesson prep for tomorrow to distract me and make the time go faster. The pressure built to a pounding headache that I staggered home with after work was done. When I got in I had some water and changed into my plushy dressing gown. I added a few gravy granules to my crock pot to thicken the stew up and ate two (little, rice) bowls of it, before finally caving and taking some Tylenol for for my head. I am now waiting for it to kick in.

I have a bag of satsumas, I have just had one for dessert and I will nurse the others for the rest of the evening, hopefully the shot of vitamin C will help to kick whatever this is away.

I'm so close to just crawling into bed now, but given that it's 17:16 I'll just be awake come 3am if I do. The moment it's not entirely pathetic I am crashing.

Ow. I want these pills to kick in dammit.

Edit: One hour later and the pain is gone, but kind of hovering? It doesn't feel like someone is trying to crush my skull any more though, ahhh, sweet relief.

Not looking a gift horse in the mouth

After my last post I felt like I was really ready to go for it again. I exercised twice last week, only twice, and only WATP 1 mile, but it felt good to know that I was doing it. I mentioned that I didn't think I'd see a loss before the Christmas Challenge today, but wanted to for next week.

Turns out I was wrong.

I have been improving on my eating, primarily through just eating at home more than anything, rather than giving in to outside sources. I woke up today to check my weight so I would know the difference for next week, and it tuns out I'm down 1.4kg/3.08lbs from my low weight of 111.6kg more than a month ago. I've stepped on the scale between then and now and have always been 112.6 or something around there, slightly above my low. Today I was 110.2 and it felt nice (surprising, but nice!) to be well away from those sticking kilos. I think perhaps I was borderline with my eating and exercise and those two small workouts and eating in just pushed me over the tipping point.

Whatever the reason, I'm not about to question it too hard.

I realised last night that I probably wouldn't be able to persuade myself to leave my bed too early now that it's turned chilly, so I put my pork stew ingredients in the slow cooker before I went to bed and just set it on low. I added a little more water before I left this morning, but other than that I think it was a good idea to get it over with the night before. No way would I have had time otherwise, bed is just too warm.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Nearly 6 weeks

Is how long I've been at the same weight. I lost a large amount at the beginning of the Christmas Challenge, and then went off the rails. It is a long time to have wasted.

I did manage to stay pretty much at the same weight though (somehow, I was really surprised given how much I ate). Over the last two weeks I've been trying to eat a better (though not exactly following 'a plan' as such) but then I was on my period so I couldn't weigh in.

Today I stepped on the scale and it showed me a low number. Not a new number, but the lowest I saw back at the end of September. This is good, but still in that same kilo. I feel like if I can just break in to the next one then things will start moving properly again, so for now I'm trying to eat more carefully so that the scale can inch down. I don't think that I'll see the new number before this weeks CC weigh in, but I'm going to make a push for next week. I've neglected it too long.

I'm also thinking of sending home extra money when I get paid next month. It will make life a little more difficult for me, but have two positive effects. Firstly, I'll pay off more of my credit card before I go to Malaysia, which will be a really good idea as the chances are I will use my card while I'm there. (I'm quite excited, if I can keep a handle on my spending, which I may be able to do if my parents send me money for Christmas, then I'll only have a couple more payments to do after the next one. I could be finished paying it off by March). It will also force me to think about what I'm buying, and therefore what I'm eating, as it has this month. Cooking for myself more has been a big help and I should continue with it, I'm too likely to go the easy route and just get a store bento or something.

My slow cooker arrived a couple of days ago and it is the cutest thing. The weather took a rather enthusiastic foray into single digits for the first time yesterday, leading me to make a stew in it and, I'm ashamed to say, put on the Christmas music. My whole apartment was warm and cosy and smelt like home. I still have half the stew in the cooker nice and warm so I'm going to have it for dinner.

My new cooker!

Friday, November 7, 2008

And the results are...

It was a free EU pack I'd ordered from the Japanese council and forgotten about, plus my clothing order (which had been put into two bags).

Bleurgh, I'm getting sick. I've got a headache and my throat feels weird. Not sore, but enough to tell me something is on the way. I'm going out with friends tonight celebrate Obama's win at a yakitori place (assuming it doesn't get too bad) but aside form that I think I'm going to be a bit of a hermit this weekend.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

It's like Christmas

I came home to three notices that I had parcels waiting for me, I feel loved! I think that one of them will be the clothes I ordered a couple of weeks ago from yours, one of them might be my slow cooker from amazon.co.jp (and if it is then WOW, that was quick. I only sent them the payment yesterday), and the final one appears to be from amazon too (if I'm reading the kanji right) but I have no idea what it is. I don't remember ordering anything else?

I've just checked my amazon tracking and it says my slow cooker is still in Chiba hmmmm, the plot thickens. Unless they haven't updated the page yet? It's possible my clothes got split into three packages but I doubt it.

Argh, won't find out until it arrives between 19:00 and 21:00

I finally did the one mile WATP yesterday, for the first time in I don't know how long. I'm going to aim to do it every other day rather than every day like I used to. Maybe that will stop me from getting bored with it, or giving up when ever I have a day off.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Leftovers

I've got a curry bubbling away on the stove and some brown rice in the rice cooker. This means that tomorrow (or rather, the day after tomorrow, as the pan of curry is so big) that I'll have to go shopping and get some more food. I know grocery day is close when I make Japanese-style curry, because I only ever make it to use up all the sad, old vegetables left in my fridge and freezer. Today's remnants include half a cabbage, half a container of mushrooms, some frozen mixed vegetables, an onion, and what was left in a bag of frozen shrimp. It's a good 'get everything gone' meal.

The watch-word for my next grocery shop is cheap. To that end I have to plan what I'm making so that I don't waste cash on stuff that will hang around for days and eventually end up in the next curry I make.

I'm quite impressed with how many dinners I've managed to get out of the things I had left in my house, I was expecting to run out before now. It makes me think about how much money I spend on things like groceries when I'm not forced to watch everything carefully, it's quite surprising how much cheaper I can go and still eat reasonably well.

Nice

Guess who's surfing the Internet trying to avoid the NaNoWrMo document staring her down in the other window? That's right! You win a cookie, but I won't be offended if you pass on it.

I took some (very unflattering!) pictures of myself from the front and side yesterday to give myself some motivation to start exercising again. They're in my bra and pants, so will not be posted here, but suffice to say I spent the night feeling decidedly unpretty. They will act as my personal markers. I'm not sure when I'll update them, whether I'll go by time or weight lost, but we'll see.

Today I'm feeling good though. I'm wearing a new cardigan that I bought yesterday, and have my contacts in and makeup on. Three different teachers have complimented me on the necklace I'm wearing. Actually, one couldn't remember the word for 'style' (she wanted to say 'it gives a sense of your own style to your outfit') and ended up telling me 'it adds a certain gorgeousness' which was even better. The same teacher is also going to give me a tabletop gas ring for nabe/suki-ramen/udon because she has just bought a new version and was wondering if I wanted the old one. Given that the cold is starting to creep in I'm very much looking forward to it. When I went to the conbini to pay for the slow cooker I ordered (I can come home to finished meals! awesome! and only 1900 yen) I said good morning to the old-ish man gardening in the little wild flower area on the edge of school, on the way back he gave me a little bunch of flowers that he had cut for me. I have them sitting on my desk in a cup right now.

It's been a really nice day so far.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Eating Out FAIL

I met up with a friend and we went to a cafe for lunch. I couldn't have refused to have anything, it would have made her feel awkward. I chose the cheapest things on the menu and feel OK about it, but tomorrow I'm going to make that when I go to the matsuri I don't eat anything.

My social life is bad for my good intentions.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Trick and Treat

I went to the party and didn't order any food from the bar (me: "Guys? If I try and buy anything tonight, punch me right in the neck"). I didn't have time to eat before I went but I had a bowl of vegetable chili and brown rice when I got home.

The night was good, I had a lot of fun, but there was an incident about an hour or so before everything ended. One of the Irish JETs who came to the party is fine to get along with when he's sober but very Jekyll and Hyde when he's drunk. We had spoken for a few minutes earlier within a small group of people and he was drunk but very nice and friendly. As the night went on he was a little worse for where and he started getting nasty. It's really bizarre to watch because it comes completely out of left field. He is charming and complimentary one second and then trying to pick a fight with the random guy standing by him the next. We spoke for a few minutes later and again almost overly friendly, until he says goodbye and turns to the girl behind him and says "She's a lesbian, she's fat and ugly, she must be a lesbian" with me standing right there. The girl (completely unimpressed) told him he can't talk about people that way and he looks at me and makes a quick exit. A few seconds later he wandered back to the group and looked at me and smiled and said 'You look beautiful tonight'. I looked at him like I had just scraped him off the bottom of my shoe and he left again. The thing about him is that I get the feeling that he thinks he can just smooth stuff over (ahh, the confidence of a drunkards charm). If we both follow the rules and pretend it never happens he'll be extra nice to me the rest of the night because he's been a dick.

I pretty much ignored him for the next hour or two, not making a point of not talking to him, just not doing it. As people started leaving I walked past where he was standing and he said "oh are you serious" half to me, half thinking out loud. I could tell he knew he was in the wrong, and he just wanted me to smile back and pretend nothing had happened and suddenly I was just so fucking angry. I had spoken to my friend about it and he's said some bad things about a few people that night. Why should I pretend? So I turned to him, fairly calm outwardly, and said "What" in a rather pointed tone. He could see I was actually still pretty angry and started to back-pedal "nothing, nothing" but I decided I was sick of this and said rather aggressively "no, do you have something to say to me?". He said no and I said "Then Shut Up" and walked away.

A girl I was chatting to later (stunning girl, so I know he's not just gunning for the fatties) told me good job on standing up to him because he had been spewing stuff to her earlier. I get so sick of people thinking that what they're saying acceptable as long as they don't get caught, or so long as the people involved are so embarrassed they're willing to sweep it under the rug.

Bah. I was of two minds whether to post this or not, so I'm disabling comments.

In other, better, news, I went to the party dressed as Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, and someone else unexpectedly came as the Wicked Witch of the West. It was completely unplanned by us and led to us getting nominated for best duo costume! Unexpected Awesomeness!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Cycling to 'high' in the weight loss circle

Yesterday I came home tired and a little hungry, and resisted the urge to hit the supermarket and take the easy way out.

So glad I did! The dinner I made was soooo good. I had some scallops in the freezer so I defrosted them and some prawns (shrimp). I sauteed some onion and garlic in a little olive oil, then added white wine (well, technically 'apple and fiber' wine, it was all that was in the house after a party about six months ago, I'm not a big drinker), and some chili powder. When that was ready I stirred in the quartered scallops and the shrimp and left it in the pan until the seafood was cooked through. I sprinkled a little cheese on it and done! It was fast and delicious. I'm going to try and get more fish in my diet as a healthy source of protein, so it worked out really well.

I have some ore fish in my freezer (misc type of white fish fillets, I couldn't read the label), so I may cook those and serve them on top of the same tomato mixture. Failing that I have some vegetables that need using because I neglected home cooking for so long, so I may end up throwing all my veg in a pan with some beef and onions and making a curry with them.

Halloween party tonight. I'm fairly sure I won't be drinking (as I mentioned I'm not a big drinker, and I don't have the money for it right now anyhow, though I do get a free drink with admission) but the real test will be not ordering food at the bar when I get hungry. I don't know how much time I'll have to make dinner because people are coming to stay at mine and I'm helping decorate the place. I may put the curry on anyway and put some brown rice in the rice cooker (I found brown rice, yay!) then if worst comes to worst I can take a break from the party (I live opposite the venue) and grab a quick dinner at home.

My supervisor just came over with a mikan so I've got miso soup and mikan (a satsuma) for lunch - good times.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

November Goal

Tully has had a really good idea for November where she's going to try and not eat out for the whole month. I think this is a really good idea and I'm going to do the same, with a few adaptions.

1) I am going to have one eat out meal a week, on Tuesdays at lunch, because that is the day we have a visiting teacher and we always go out to eat. I will try to practice healthy habits where-ever we go though.

2) I am going to include certain parts of my supermarket as 'take-away' food, and therefore include that in the foods I won't have in November. Specifically, I'm not allowing myself to go to the bakery, or to buy anything from the 'ready to eat' service section, because these are two really bad areas for me. Not only do I spent too much money there, the foods are often bought either as part of a binge, or they cause one later. Until/If I can learn to control myself with them we'll talk, but if I'm honest with myself I know that right now I can't.

I think this will be really good for me. It cuts out a huge part of where my worst choices are being made, and financially it will help me to get through this month. I've gotten really bad at packing my lunch for work too, leading me to spend money at the konbini on sandwiches and things, which I think leads me to my next point:

3) No more konbini lunches.

Now, I've been eating fairly healthily buying lunch there quite recently, but in terms of money it's not worth it to spend the extra with things so tight, and mentally I think it's bad for me. There's always the temptation (whether I give in to it or not) so why make it harder on myself? I've bought some instant miso soup packs instead, that way they're in my drawer waiting when I get to school so I don't have to remember to do anything. Also, cheap!

Gah! I want to lose weight. I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT! Obviously I want it all gone, but right now I just want to be at the point where it' not all hanging off my face, which as I mentioned before means losing about 20lbs. If I knuckle down maybe I could lose that before I leave on holiday?

If I knuckle down? Bah. I hate that it's still a question in my head. Why do I do this?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Food and money=99% of my brain space

My supermarket has started selling mozzarella balls (actual small mounds of it packed in liquid, rather than the ready-shredded stuff). I'm not normally a cheese person, I'll eat it melted on stuff, but cheese for cheese's sake? nahh. However yesterday something in my brain went 'mmmmmm nom nom nom' and I came home with a pack. I'm sitting at my computer now with a tomato and mozzarella salad and not regretting the decision one little bit. I laid alternate thick slices of tomatoes and thinner slices of cheese, then sprinkled it with a liberal shake of oregano and drizzled it with olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

So good.

I had a bit of a nasty shock at the ATM today when I realised I've got much (much!) less money in there than I thought, I should have been paying more attention and now I'm going to be living extremely frugally for the next month as payday was only last week. In an attempt to make sure this doesn't sneak up on me again I got my supervisor to take me to the bank so I could re-order my passbook. They don't have statements sent to you here, you just have a little book that you pop into the ATM and it updates your transactions. Ingenious really, unless you're one of those people (*cough*) that lose their passbooks a week after you move in and just rely on checking your balance every now and again.

On the plus side, my lack of money meant that I couldn't just mindlessly hit the service section of the supermarket when I got hungry tonight, leaving me to forage in my sadly neglected fridge.

I had some Halloween activities I was helping with over the last week and it's resulting in some photos of me that are truly horrifying. I hate being this weight. There is a certain point (about 20-25lbs under where I am now) that all the weight I gain shows up on my face.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Disappearing Act

Wow, so that week and a half went by quite quickly!

The Good I tidied my house after that last post, a complete tidy right down to cleaning the bathrooms, and it made me feel much better. I've pretty much kept it clean since (though the rubbish needs taking out but I keep missing the collection).

I'm feeling quite good. Not over the top great, not awful, steady.

The Bad: My eating did not follow the major clean. I have been to the supermarket late night several times this week. I have come home and binged. I avoided my blog and however I may feel now, I have to get myself to at least be honest and admit behaviour like this when it happens instead of vanishing the way I do.

The Not So Ugly: I finally weighed myself this morning (my blog wasn't the only thing I was avoiding) and it came out as only 0.8kg higher that my last official weigh in. It's a little discouraging to think that this is where I was a month ago (almost to the day), but it could of (should of?) been so much worse.

So that's where I am. If I take three steps forward and two steps back that's still progress right? Today has been fine, I ate my carbohydrate at lunch-time when I went to Sato (a restraint in the city centre) and had beef suki-udon (a Kansai regional variation on a classic Nabe dish. The wiki picture (with the on-table gas ring) is very accurate, though mine was a single person set. I always find it fun to eat). I think if I look back and am honest, I could have started eating properly sooner than this, but I've been busy and just kept putting off for tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. I'm busy this weekend too but I'm going to do my best, eventually I have to learn how not to let everything go to pot when I have to work around real life.

Another thing I keep putting off is starting exercise again. I walk to school and back, but I do nothing organised.

ETA: Does anyone know if miso soup is allowed on South Beach? If it's not then maybe today wasn't completely on plan...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Hope

I woke up this morning feeling a pressing need to sort myself out. I was planning to just take whatever weigh in came on Monday and then move back to phase one for a week or two, but then as I was lying in bed thinking what I should have for breakfast (err.. note to self takoyaki [fried dough balls with a piece of octopus inside] are not a breakfast food) and I realised that the thought of eating it didn't really make me happy. I made me feel slightly panicked and worried. Food shouldn't make me feel that way.

I've got this energy humming though me right now, even sitting here I'm tapping my foot unable to keep still. I want to clean my apartment, and do my laundry. I want to eat on plan, take a shower and then put on my make-up I have a friend coming over tonight so cleaning was on the cards anyhow, but it's everything. I woke up this morning telling myself I don't want to get caught in that unhappy downward spiral again and instead of having that choking, hopeless feeling, I felt invigorated. The choices that I have to make to stop it seem so clear and manageable, and I don't understand why it can seem so difficult one day and so easy the next.

The scale is going to be up tomorrow, but strangly, right this second, that doesn't seem like the end of the world (even though I deserve it).

Friday, October 10, 2008

*head explodes*

Aargh, food has been kind of terrible the last few days and with my Stitch'n'Bitch being hosted in Mr Donuts tomorrow, closely followed by the Tsu Matsuri (mmm... street food) that afternoon, I don't see it getting any better.

I'm expecting a gain next week. I think I'm going to go back to phase one for a week or two and cut things out again. Bad carbs have been creeping back into my diet and have brought all the cravings back with them, which is something I was really worried about. Better to kick it out early before this gets too out of hand again.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Hee

The last few days have been quite good for my ego. Because of exam week and other things the students don't see me very often, which means they haven't all seen my new (very different) haircut. So I finally had a lesson today and they all started squealing about how cute and pretty I was. Then later I had to go see a teacher in another staff room and one of the students got so involved with giving me a smile and a bow when our eyes happened to meet as I was walking by that he fell down the slope at the side of the path (his friend was practically wetting himself laughing). Finally I went out to lunch with some teachers and a friend and the server who came in with out lunch sets was saying in Japanese how beautiful and white my skin was (I'm very pale [blue eyes/reddish hair], even by western standards).

I'll admit, it's had me preening a little.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Just keep telling yourself that...

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.
- Sir Francis Bacon


Auntie Flo is still here, but after bloating up for a day or so my weight is back down to That Damn Number again. We'll see what happens once she's gone.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

It's here

My stomach-ache finally came to fruition after too many days wait. I weighed in the very slightest speck down this morning, so I don't have any great hopes for tomorrow, but I'm hoping this means I'll be able to actually drop some numbers next week.

I'm finding it really hard to stick to things without seeing any results. It's too easy to rationalise, too easy to slip, too easy to say I just plain don't care. I'm hoping to see a little difference tomorrow, but I think that it may be unrealistic. I need to see a result on the 13th though, because there will be no reason not to, and I doubt my ability to keep doing what I'm doing otherwise.

Full disclosure: I ate the brownies. Defrosted and scoffed them. They were good. I regret it.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

And so it goes

Last night I had a craving of brownies which led me to make a pan of them at 11pm at night and then eat 2/5ths of it. Not that it matters because apparently my fat is now made of PLASTIC and it made not one blind bit of difference to the scale, which is still staying firmly in place with nary a move.

Luckily I came to my senses before I ate the whole pan. After the first lot I was feeling slightly sick. In the past (God, only a month ago? feels longer) I would wait for the feeling to die down and then have one or two more, then wait again, lather, rinse, repeat. It sounds so screwed up when I actually write that and read it back.

When I realised I was feeling a little sick yesterday I knew I'd gone past the point I should have finished and decided to get them out the way instead of leaving them out and picking at them. I cut them into squares and put them into bags in my freezer. They an be there when a chocolate craving hits next month.

I don't know why I made them. If I'm honest with myself, after I had had a couple of spoons of the batter I was feeling ok and could have stopped there, but then the brownies were in the oven and smelling good while they cooked.

I didn't really realise it, but thinking back to last night, I actually spent some time convincing myself to eat something bad. My period still hasn't turned up so I guess I can't blame that.

So yeah, no movement. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Friday, October 3, 2008

NaNoWriMo

Is anyone taking part in NaNoWriMo this year? I've never done it but I'm thinking maybe.

Princess? Didn't you give this a stab last time? I seem to remember you disappearing for a bit to try, what are your thoughts on it?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Come on already

Auntie Flo got stuck in traffic and did not arrive. If there is one thing that pisses me off more than getting my period, it's hanging around knowing it's coming but has yet to appear.

Mr. Blue Skies

Summer is making one last gasp in my city; I awoke to brilliant blue skies stretched as far as the eye could see. My staff room has all it's windows and doors open to allow the air to come through, an act that makes much more sense now it's not cold and rainy (they all seemed shocked when I shut the window next to me last week?). I don't foresee the weather lasting long though, we're forecasted rain for Sunday. Aside from getting soaked on my walk to/from school I don't really mind.

The scale hasn't moved in 3 days, not a wobble, nada. I was a little worried because this is unusual behaviour for my body, I may not lose but I fluctuate up and down, but then I remembered that I tend to level off a little higher just before a period, and if memory serves I am due a visit from Auntie Flo anytime now (especially if the heaviness and slight stomach pain working it's way down my body has anything to do with it). The good news is that if she arrives today then I weighed in as the same rather than higher, whereas I usually gain. I'm hoping this is a sign of good things to come when my body settles down again, but I don't know if it will be over in time for me to post a loss for this weeks Christmas Challenge.

ETA: New Layout! Mwahaha, I love the new blog background site.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Bah!

I'm out of porridge oats and eggs (note to self: go shopping later) which left me with a starch to use this lunch time. Unfortunately allowed starched can be difficult to find here, but I finally decided on a chicken/tomato/vegetable pasta sauce, over soba noodles instead of regular spaghetti.

It tasted fine, but after some research I've realised that I used too much pasta! On the phase 2 food list it says that a serving is 3/4 cup cooked noodles but I had some problems with the cup to gramme conversion rate. I was under the impression that a cup was 250g, which would make 3/4 cups 187.5g (which is what I ate). Now I'm reading online that a cup of pasta is 140g? It's frustrating! I wish there were a way to find out for sure what exactly the conversions are, too many websites contradict each other.

The pasta comes in 100g dry bundles, so I cooked one and then measured out the cooked weight serving, leaving me with a little left over (not much). As I'm in the second week of phase 2 I can add another portion of starch to my day (for a total of two), so I think I'll have the small left over for dinner with the rest of the sauce. Hopefully overall that should even things out and it should make 2 servings total.

Monday, September 29, 2008

WI

Lost this week: 0.8KG/1.76LBS
Total lost: 15LBS

I have mixed feelings about my weigh in today. I had a slightly lower number on Friday (I had lost a kilo instead of 0.8) and that was before the weekend, so if I'm honest with myself I probably could have been stricter and seen better numbers this week. I ate out Friday night, Saturday evening and Sunday lunch though, so the reduced result isn't wholly unexpected. I've already been through what I ate on Friday, and Sat/Sun I ate completely on plan at the restaurant, but there's no way to know how much sodium is in the food (whereas I don't add it to my own cooking). On the plus side I still managed to scrape through hitting a 15LB loss overall, meaning I was still able to change my Christmas Challenge button, which is helping me not get too down in the dumps about it. For next week I want the losses to continue but for me to have a completely clean week with lots of sleep so I can lose a full kilo (2.2LBS) next time.

The weather has finally turned - hurray! Today I actually wore a light coat for my walk to school. It was kind of bizarre though, I never expected the seasons to be so punctual. We had the typhoon, then some hot days (though without the crippling humidity), then came the Autumn public holiday and BAM! Much cooler weather/rain/grey skies (I'm not complaining, I love it). In Japan even the weather is more efficient.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

(Not entirely unexpected) Disaster

I got on the scale this morning to see a gain; Tragedy!

I thought I would have, I only hope that I can reverse the damage before WI. The things I ate were not healthy in the slightest, but oh so good! I had a few skinny fires, two pieces of fried cheese pieces, two nuggets of fried chicken, and half of a creamy spaghetti with bacon and mushrooms dish. Out of the lot I'd actually say only the white pasta wasn't 'allowed' as such (oh, and the breading on the cheese) but I enjoyed it. I didn't eat my starch before I went, which I'm happy about, and I stuck to iced tea instead of alcohol. When we were at karaoke I had a glass of orange juice (I'll count that as my fruit) and a cafe latte. I'm not delusional, I know that my meal wasn't good for me not matter what I rationalise, but I think it could have been much worse.

I really want the scale to go back down though.

I think it will. Even with all the fried food, I didn't eat a lot of anything, so calorie-wise I didn't take in enough to warrant a 'real' gain of the amount I saw today, so it's just my body reacting to the types of food I ate.

Plan for today: lots of water, on plan meals, and just generally back to the grindstone.

Friday, September 26, 2008

It's me!

I needed a bit of a change and my hair was the victim. I've gone back to a fringe (excuse the major shininess of the picture! It was taken on my cell phone)


I'll be keeping my old wig to use with my costume, but other than that it really needed replacing.

Eeek!

A friend invited me to come out with a few people for a post-payday izakaya visit. Given that I didn't go to the last one and STILL haven't met the new people, I'm going to this one.

Argh. I'm a little nervous. I don't drink really, so not having alcohol isn't a problem, but there will be lots of food and (if I know my izakayas) none of it allowed. My game plan is basically just to do as well as I can. I haven't had my oatmeal today because I'm saving my starch for use there. I will probably be white rice from the sushi, or I'll count the batter/breading as my starch for the night, but I'll probably be holding water from the salt/soy that will be in the recipes. I hope the weekend will be enough to clear that salt out my system because I saw a nice number this morning. I'm going to eat before I go in the hopes that not being hungry will help me.

Bah, BAH. I can't just avoid people, that's not realistic, I have to learn to deal with these situations sooner or later. I just wish it was later, when the loss was bigger and feels less fragile.

Please don't let the cravings come back. Please don't let the cravings come back.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Mental Health Day

Utterly sick of sitting useless in my staffroom, and even less excited at the prospect of having to sit useless outside my staffroom for the next two days, I took vacation. I woke up late in a much better mood and had a relaxed oatmeal brunch.

I was going to stay in for the day, and then head to the mall tomorrow to find some red shoes and a toy basket and dog to complete my Dorothy Halloween costume, but I decided mid-afternoon that I would walk to the bank and transfer some money home. I'm trying to pay off a chunk of my credit card before I go to KL, the funds I sent today should cover about a third of it. I'm guessing the walk was just under a mile each way? I'm not sure, but it was nice to get out and though the sky was overcast, the temperature was perfect.

The scale isn't showing dramatic change, little fluctuations mainly, but for the moment I'm a kilo down thus far so I'm hoping I can keep a handle on that at the very least, as it will mean I make this week's goal to get a new badge from the Christmas Challenge.

I think I'm going to have chicken with sauteed green beans and onions for dinner.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Folly of Youth

I just amazed a student by eating lunch. I have a student that wants to come and eat lunch with me some days to help improve her English, so she came to the staffroom for the first time today.

For my first trick I ate a hot lunch of bolignaise sauce and broccoli (I had heated it in the staff room microwave). "Hot-to?" she said in confusion. I then finished my lunch and then pulled an apple put of my bag. She was shocked because Japanese people usually have their lunch box and that's it (the apple wouldn't have fit in my bento box). Finally I had to explain a few times that I was definitely eating an apple because she thought all apples were red. To be confronted with a Golden Delicious type variety broke her brain, so I must be eating a pear (pears are apple shaped here).

I should clarify that she is an absolutely lovely student, I had fun, and I'm not berating or otherwise making fun of her. I kind of love discovering these pre-conceived notions people have here, and how something so normal to me can seem so bizarre.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Day off

(School, not plan)

It's a public holiday here in Japan today (秋分の日- Autumnal Equinox Day) so no school for me!

My plan to stay off the scale lasted all of a week, so now I'm just reminding myself to not freak out at the fluctuations. That being said I saw a nice number that I'm hoping I can just scrape down a little to meet my goal for the week. Given the number I can't decide if I would have seen it last WI because I had a really good nights sleep first. I suppose it's kind of a moot point now, and so long as I count it with my next WI it won't make a difference.

I had porridge again for breakfast today (I remembered to pick up milk at the supermarket so it was perfect this time) and didn't feel ill at all, so I'm taking yesterday as a fluke brought on by the hot room, or an adjustment that my body has now made.

Way to go everyone on the Healthy You Challenge and Chubby Chick's Christmas Challenge! It has a been a really good week for some (I especially salute those of you still cleaning up from Ike who are on plan, I can only imagine how tough it's been!). If you didn't have the best week don't let that stop you, and try not to let it make you lose control. Remember, if you keep going it will come off eventually!

Someone (sorry I can't remember who right now) posted this picture on their blog and I love it. I've been trying to keep in my head as I go about my life.

Monday, September 22, 2008

WI

I am down 1kg/2.2lbs this week. I think if I had gotten a good night sleep (ironically, considering the effect it had on the scale, I stayed up late watching Biggest Loser) then it would have showed as a little lower, but then if that's true it will still be gone next week so I can count it then. Even the 1kg was more than I was expecting to lose after my results last week, so I'm pleased overall.

I had porridge (oatmeal) for breakfast this morning and it's sad how happy it made me. I have an apple for a snack to go with my packed lunch.

Sometimes you have to appreciate the little things.

Next week I want to make it up to 15lbs lost so that I can change my Christmas Challenge badge.

I went home at lunch today because I was feeling oddly sick. I don't know if it was just how warm the staffroom was or what, but I was feeling decidedly 'off'. I'm better now but I'd like to know what caused it. I hope it's just something simple like the room rather than something I'm eating.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Bored

Wow, almost no one has updated their blogs this weekend, where are you all?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Lazy Day

Tomorrow is the last day of my induction phase! Though still a little nervous of my ability to keep things in check, I am excited at the prospect of moving on to the next step. Monday is going to be awesome, and I don't often feel that way about Mondays.

I went shopping the other day for groceries because we were told a typhoon would hit and the cupboards were bare. I got excited when I realised I could add some of my 'new' foods to my list and found some Quaker porridge oats. I was getting frustrated because I was sure I'd seen them in my supermarket before and hadn't been able to locate them since. Turns out the box I passed over in the 'healthy' section (meal replacement bars and water) because of the picture of what looked like mushroom pudding was precisely what I was looking for. Had I paused to actually read the cover instead of turning away in disgust I would have realised it said OOTOMIIRU (oatmeal) quite clearly, so I have no one to blame for myself. I also bought some apples as my fruit serving.

I had a large late lunch today. A big (by Japanese standards, and by mine too now I think, but probably not Western eaters) steak, with broccoli and onions. I ate it at about 3pm though, because I didn't wake up until about 2pm (shh! it's Saturday) and was hungry for a bigger meal than breakfast. It meant that at dinner time I wasn't hungry though, so I ended up just eating a little pack of cherry tomatoes to see me through the rest of the evening so that I don't get the 11pm munchies.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Thanks Princess

First off thank you to The Princess for this encouraging blogger award!


I'm glad you like my comments and thank you for yours! You would be first on my list to give this award to, but others have already beat me to it! You always comment no matter how long I disappear for and believe me, I'm grateful for it.

Today I had a cake/tart thing (imagine a bakewell tart-esque construction without the icing on top, and flavoured differently). I was at my private lesson and they always bring little snacks to have at tea break. This lady had brought them to class as souvenirs of a trip she took this month and I really couldn't refuse. They get so excited giving me things and to refuse would really hurt their feelings (they wouldn't tell me that, but I know it would, it's just the culture here).

I freaked out a little bit about it when I got home, but then I stopped and thought about it rationally. The SB is low-carb, but not so low that it sends your body into ketosis (ketosis? Is that the right term? something like that) so it won't cause me to gain pounds the way sneaky carbs used to when I was on Atkins. It may kick start cravings as it's pretty much the first sugar and flour I've had since the beginning of this, but if that happens I'll have to deal with it.

I've got to stop thinking of this as 'cheating'. I think it's because I want to lose weight this week but don't think I will because of last week's loss. But if I step on the scale Monday and there's no change (or it fluctuates up)even tough it's irrational I know I'm going to think of this moment right now and the cake I ate.

I have to learn get myself to actually believe that these things can be in my day occasionally and not throw me off the ravine edge into disaster. I don't quite believe it yet because I lose control so easily when I keep those things in the house, it's never one from a pack, it's the whole pack or nothing (hence the reason why I don't keep things like that in my apartment). One day I want to get myself to a point (whatever I weigh) when my relationship with things I consider 'treats' is normal. No, not normal, meaningless. I want to be able to keep things you should enjoy in moderation around and not break down or spend the day obsessing over the fact that they're there.

SB is helping. I'm a little nervous about moving into the next, more flexible phase, because I don't want the cravings to come back, and I don't want to plateau.