Monday, May 12, 2008

Pity party, table for one

I woke up after very little sleep and just couldn't face going to school for another long day of passing time with no classes, so I used my last vacation day (the rest are tied up with my trip home this summer) and stayed at home. It sounds very 'woe is me', but you'd be amazed how exhausting sitting at a desk for eight hours debating gnawing off your own arm from boredom can actually be.

My friend emailed me to ask if I wanted to take part in a local flower festival here. They were looking for four foreign girls to be dressed up at a kimono shop in full robes, have their hair done, and join the procession, followed by a possible TV interview. It sounded like a lot of fun but I had to say no. Firstly it was almost certain that none of the kimonos would fit me, which would have been absolutely mortifying, and second they were doing people hair (which would have caused a problem as I wear a wig), which would also have been mortifying. It's made me kind of sad as I would have looked forward to doing it with my friends and it sounded like the festival would have been so interesting.

Sometimes when I allow myself to think about it, I think maybe that part of the reason I have problems losing weight. At the end of this, no matter what size I get down to, I'm can't see myself as ever being pretty because I'm always going to be the bald chick. I wear a wig so no one sees it day to day, but assuming I dated someone they would have to know, and how exactly do you slip that into the conversation?

Sigh. The offer should have been a nice, enjoyable thing to remember in my city, and instead I had to say no and it's left me feeling quite down.


ani pesto said...

I can empathise entirely, must have felt crappy to let that opportunity by but I'm sure there will be plenty more chances for making awesome memories.

I also think it's common to have a realisation that getting slimmer and healthier still isn't going to fix x, y or z that you don't like about yourself. For me it's all my excess skin, I can be as skinny as a skinny thing but I'm never going to be a pretty sight in a swimsuit. I know it's hard but try not to let it get you down, or get in the way of the one thing that while it won't cure everything, will make you feel heaps better in the long run.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow :-)

Teale said...

Well, I don't know what it's like to have to wear a wig... but I do know what it's like to dislike certain things about yourself. Ultimately, you are your own worst critic, and while others probably wouldn't think twice about whether you have hair or not, I understand that right now it's something that bothers you. We all have our own battles to work through, so just hang in there:)